


Charming Mansluts

by giselleslash



Series: Charming Mansluts [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-02
Updated: 2011-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-20 00:38:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/206941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giselleslash/pseuds/giselleslash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwaine and Arthur have a night of drunken escapades that could possibly lead to more despite their best efforts to be dumb guys about it all. They also do their best to gross Merlin out along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Charming Mansluts

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the gwaine_quest fest over on LJ.

So. His cock was in Arthur's mouth. That was new.

Gwaine looked down at the shiny blond head bobbing around in the vicinity of his dick and quickly looked back up because for some reason looking down made him slightly wobbly on his feet. Could be the prodigious amount of alcohol in his system or it could be that Arthur was just that good of a cocksucker, he just wasn't sure - Arthur had a big fucking mouth and liked to use it so it'd stand to reason that it could be used for nonverbal communication as well - better to keep his eyes on the wall in front of him, things tended to be less wobbly that way. And why did Merlin have three pairs of underwear and one of Freya's bras draped over his headboard? Were they keeping a score of some kind? Some sort of sex abacus where they moved the knickers and bits back and forth along the top of the headboard whenever they did some kind of perverted, sexuality deviant sort of thing? Cos if they were Gwaine would like to know the details. Also? Why was he thinking about shit like that when his dick was in Arthur's mouth? Because that was. Yeah. Just, um. Yeah.

Oh, _fuck_.

Hm. Well that answered that. It was definitely the cocksucking. Not the drink.

"So. Arthur. Why're we in Merlin's room?"

Arthur pulled his mouth off of Gwaine's cock, it made a really filthy slurping sound and Gwaine wondered why he'd ever thought asking Arthur a question was a good thing. Why not keep that mouth on his cock where it belonged?

"Closer to the door," Arthur answered before diving back in for more which made Gwaine embarrassingly grateful. "Also?" Arthur took his mouth off his cock _again_. Not good. "It'd totally gross Merlin out to know what we're doing in here."

Gwaine laughed at Arthur's face, there was a far too pleased look on it as he went back to the cocksucking. It was rather brilliant. He also raised his hand for a high five from Gwaine.

"Ha. Merlin." Gwaine chuckled and slapped Arthur's hand.

Best high five _ever_.

Arthur's hands went back to squeezing the backs of Gwaine's thighs and he reached down to grab Arthur's wrists and move those hands up to his ass. There. Much better.

"We oughta get naked." Gwaine said, well, maybe slurred, either way the point got across. The very meaningful point.

Arthur's mouth popped off his cock and there went that slurping noise again. Awesome.

"Naked high five," Arthur yelled as he held up his hand and promptly fell back onto his ass. "Eh. Whatever. Naked time," he said as he shifted his hips and started tugging at his jeans.

Gwaine thought they might just regret this a little bit in the morning, especially since neither one of them particularly liked each other, but then he saw Arthur and his naked arse crawling over to the bed and he thought; fuck it, who says you have to like the person you fuck? No one, that's who. Especially not when the person you're going to fuck had a really really kinda perfect ass and was in the process of fingering himself, legs spread and fucking delectable. Drinking gave Gwaine a thorough grasp of logic that he enjoyed.

"Merlin has strawberry lube. What a girl," Arthur said.

"Probably cos he's dating _a girl_ ," Gwaine offered absently, he was far too busy keeping an eye on Arthur's clever fingers to care either way.

"Still. Whatever. Get a condom." Arthur waved his hand in the general direction of Merlin's bedside table.

Gwaine might have tripped over his jeans on his way to the drawer, but that was totally the drink. Totally. It had nothing to do with wanting to pound the fucking hell out of Arthur.

"Ha. Pink." Gwaine laughed as he pulled out a condom.

"Are they sparkly too? See, wha'did I tell you?"

"Girl." They both said at the same time.

Gwaine sort of tipped over as they both laughed drunkenly. It was really fucking awesome being drunk with Arthur. There Arthur was, drunk and all, and laughing about Merlin's delightfully girlish tendencies (no doubt Freya bought the condoms as a joke and Merlin thought they were awesomely funny, but still. he kept them and now Gwaine was gonna use the hell outta them.) and yet he was still at it. Fingering himself like a fucking pro. Obviously Arthur was an eyes on the prize type of guy. Respect. And shit.

"Y'know," Gwaine said as he rolled onto his back and tried another go at getting the pretty pink condom out of its package and on his dick. "You're a really slutty drunk."

"And yet your cock is still not in my ass."

"I'm goin'. I'm goin'. Ah." Gwaine's fingers were being really shitty team players at the moment. "Ha! Lookit that," he said as he managed to roll the condom on. "Ta da!"

"I hardly think a grown man managing to get a condom on is cause for a parade," Arthur said as he hooked his hands under his knees and pulled his legs up. Slutty McSlut.

Gwaine frowned as he crawled between Arthur's thighs. "Dude. Bit of a bitchy bottom, aren't you?"

Arthur let out a loud bark of laughter then reached down for Gwaine's cock. "But totally worth it," he said as he guided Gwaine's cock to his ass.

"Ahh, yes. _Fuck me._ " Gwaine moaned as he pushed inside Arthur. "So far, so good."

Arthur gave him a smug, 'told you,' sort of look and hitched his hips up into Gwaine to force him deeper. Gwaine couldn't bloody well believe he had his dick in Arthur's ass, they barely tolerated each other, but they were doing surprisingly well at fucking so far. Arthur had his hands on Gwaine's ass and was shouting at him to, 'fuck me harder, you fucking. ahh. shit yeah.' so Gwaine figured they were aces so far. He fucking well knew he was enjoying the fuck out of it.

"Shit, Arthur," he said as he fell onto Arthur's chest and tangled his fingers up in Arthur's hair as he told him, "You have the best. fucking. ass. ever." with each snap of his hips.

"Yeah, I do," Arthur breathed against the side of his face and Gwaine had to bite down on Arthur's neck to keep from kissing him, the fucking smug, arrogant bastard, because they weren't doing the kissing thing. Yeah? He and Arthur Pendragon were not going to do the fucking kissing thing. This was a fuck. End of story. A fucking good fuck, but just a fuck.

Anyway, if he'd try to kiss him Arthur'd probably punch him in the face, so best not to risk it. Besides, he didn't exactly want to shut up that filthy, fucking mouth of Arthur's either. Arthur could swear like a sailor on a normal day, but stick a dick up his ass and the glorious filth flew from his mouth like angel vomit from heaven. Or naughty angel vomit from sex heaven, but whatever. Arthur was fucking _golden_ with the sex talk.

But Gwaine found out that the closer Arthur got to coming the quieter he got. It was weird, but sort of fantastic too because Arthur's limbs went on lock-down, everything tightened around Gwaine; Arthur's thighs at his hips, Arthur's arms wrapped around his waist, Arthur's hand on his ass. He felt like he was trapped inside Arthur, but in a really fucking good way that made his gut ache. He was so fucking close and he didn't want to break the quiet that suddenly laid heavy on the room so he pressed his face into the side of Arthur's as he reached between their stomach's for Arthur's cock. It was hot and wet in his hand, and god. Fuck. Just a couple of tugs and Arthur made this delicious whimpering noise that Gwaine would fucking deny to his dying day made him come too. Come like a fucking crazy person. It was just _Arthur_ and _whimpering_. Jesus fuck.

They laid still for a breath or two, Gwaine's heart going like a battering ram in his chest, and Arthur's hands were almost soothing as he gently rubbed them over the small of Gwaine's back and kept his legs locked around Gwaine's hips. He almost told Arthur to fucking watch it otherwise he might think Arthur was actually _fond_ of him.

"Well. Being a manwhore definitely pays off," Arthur said as he slapped Gwaine's ass. "First rate fuck, you are."

Annd there it is. No lingering worries about fondness here.

"Yes, well, when manwhores and cocksluts unite there's bound to be good times had by all," Gwaine said as he rolled off of Arthur and onto his back beside him.

Arthur snorted but was quiet for a few minutes after that as he occasionally bumped his foot against Gwaine's as they laid on their backs and stared up at the ceiling.

"Y'know," Arthur said after a while, absently scratching his stomach. "You totally should have fucked me on my hands and knees, that way I'd have come all over Merlin's sheets. Probably would've made him cry once he found out."

Gwaine laughed loudly. "Can you imagine the tempter tantrum."

" _Arthurrrr! Fucking gross!_ " they both whined at the same time.

They might not have another fucking thing in common but they sure did share in the joy of taking a piss at Merlin.

 

~*~

 

Gwaine and Leon were kicking ass at Mario Kart when Merlin's skinny little hips partially blocked the tv screen.

"Dude!" Gwaine shouted at the same time Leon threw his controller at Merlin's head. Leon wasn't so great in stressful situations. Gwaine chalked that up to living with Morgana, that kind of shit would put anyone in a perpetual state of terror.

"Dude yourself, you fuckface."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Whatever the fuck. I don't care. What I care about is why I had to find out from Freya, who found out from Gwen who found out from Morgana who beat it out of Leon who was told in the strictest of confidence by Lance who was originally informed by the twat himself, _that you fucking slept with Arthur. in. my. bed._ "

"Technically we didn't sleep." Yeah. Gwaine had nothing.

"You fucked! In my bed. _Gwaaaine. Gross!_ "

Gwaine couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. Where's was fucking Arthur when you needed him?

"It's not funny, you dick! I slept in that bed and didn't even wash the sheets. I'm probably diseased now."

"To be completely fair though, Merlin, you never wash the sheets anyway, regardless of whether or not Gwaine and Arthur fucked on them." Leon tried for helpfulness which only made Gwaine laugh more.

Merlin huffed and bent over to scramble for the controller Leon had thrown at him and promptly threw it back at his head. "Unhelpful!" he shouted.

"I'll wash your sheets, Merlin. Don't have a freak out," Gwaine said through bouts of laughter.

"A fuck lot of good that'll do me. The damage has been done. Done!" Merlin hollered at him. "I feel my crotch starting to itch already. Diseased!"

Leon, still rubbing his forehead where the controller smacked him, turned to Gwaine. "You are in the shithouse, my friend. He's just randomly shouting words now. He's gone mental."

They both watched as Merlin stood in front of them red-faced and scratching at his crotch.

"Honestly, Merlin," Gwaine said as he slumped back into the couch. "You're not diseased."

"Please stop scratching your crotch," Leon said. "It's disturbing. And I can't look away now."

"Ugh. You're both useless," Merlin said as he, thankfully, stopped scratching and walked over to the couch and squished himself between Gwaine and Leon. "So," he said once he'd settled. "Are you and Arthur going to get married now?"

Gwaine rolled his eyes at Merlin's big innocent eyes and stupid face, he also threw up two fingers at Leon whose shoulders were shaking. Traitorous bastard.

"Yes. And you're going to be our flower girl, Merlin."

"I'm allergic to flowers," Merlin said, like that was the only issue at hand.

"Lance did make it sound like Arthur was quite pleased with your performance," Leon leaned past Merlin to smile at Gwaine. "Sounds promising."

"Oh, piss off, the both of you."

Merlin turned to Leon. "I'll give Gwaine away but you and Lance will have to duke it out over who gets to give Arthur away."

"Yeah, how about neither one of us. Morgana'll be the one to give Arthur's fat arse away. She'll bloody well throw him down the aisle."

Merlin nodded thoughtfully. "True. She is family after all, can't begrudge her the privilege."

"Ha ha. You two are fucking hilarious. Take it on the road."

"We're only trying to be supportive," Merlin said. "It's what friends do."

"Who are we to stand in the way of true love?"

"Oh yes, true love. Yes. That's exactly what it is. You've got us."

"What are you two even doing apart?" Merlin asked. "I bet you could barely stand to say your tearful goodbyes to one another."

"For fuck sake," Gwaine whined. "We fist bumped each other goodbye, Merlin. Fist bumped! It was an awkward and fairly fitting end to a very troubling evening."

Merlin looked over at Leon. "He's pining," he whispered conspiratorially. Leon nodded, very much in agreement apparently.

"Ugh," Gwaine huffed as he got up off the couch. "You both suck."

"Not as well as Arthur, I hear," Merlin shouted after him as he stomped down the hall to his bedroom.

Gwaine could hear them both laughing through the door he slammed behind him. Bastards.

What did he ever do to get saddled with such horrible friends?

Gwaine felt very put upon. It was quite sad, actually.

 

~*~

 

Gwaine's very tragic situation did not improve over the next few weeks.

First off, Merlin (very gleefully, honestly, how rude) informed him that Arthur was out on a date when Gwaine had asked why he wasn't at the pub with them. It was pub quiz night for fuck sake. They needed Arthur to answer all the geek questions about comic books and Battlestar Galactica and how many Ewoks were on the third moon of something or other in a galaxy far far away. Whatever. They needed Arthur because despite appearances and an oddly large collection of geek t-shirts declaring him King of the Geeks, Merlin wasn't actually their resident geek. That honor belonged to Arthur, who, when drunk, confessed that he'd had tons of acne and sat at home on Saturday nights playing D&D until he was sixteen at which time he'd suddenly acquired a non-spotty complexion and a perfect ass and was never lonely again, although he still loved playing D&D. The dork.

So yes, Arthur was needed at the pub, dammit, to be an utter and complete geek and answer all the nerdy questions Gwaine made fun of him for being able to answer while never ever admitting that Arthur being a not-so-closet geek was kinda, sorta incredibly hot. In some sort of weird fifth dimension kind of way. Or however you said it in geek.

Gwaine himself then proceeded to go on a date ( _not_ a retaliation date, no matter what Morgana said. wench.) with the world's biggest dick - and that wasn't an euphemism for, well, something. About five minutes into their date Gwaine wanted to inform him he wasn't actually god's gift to the world and that hollering at an eighteen year old waitress wasn't exactly the way to get Gwaine on his back with his legs in the air. The man was a total twat and the date a complete disaster.

Although that didn't stop him from letting the guy suck his cock when he offered.

Okay, so maybe the whole 'not getting him on his back with his legs in the air' was a bit of a lie. Well, technically speaking it wasn't since Gwaine was actually just sitting in the front seat of the guy's car, but still, he felt that his already questionable morals were even more questionable. He felt really rather slutty, but dammit, he was horny and stupid Arthur had gone on a stupid date and didn't even bother to tell him so he was damn well going to get a blow job out of the entire traumatic event.

Even if the guy was nowhere near as good at sucking cock as Arthur and his stupid cock sucking mouth was.

Oh hell.

There might also have been a really sort of mind-blowing (and well, cock blowing too, Gwaine supposed) make-out session on Gwaine's couch that involved beer and Arthur's thighs in football shorts that ended in orgasms all around but with Arthur leaving immediately after. Like a total bitch.

There was also an episode with Greek food and pregnancy and Merlin acting a total bitch.

Really, Gwaine needed better friends.

Or at least ones that were less like bitches.

 

~*~

 

So. Drinking beer with Arthur again. That was nothing new. What actually was new was the fact that the last time they'd drunk beer (and, well, quite honestly there was various other liquors involved - there might even have been a 'let's do a shot from every bottle behind the bar!!' contest - he just wasn't very sure.) in the same vicinity as each other he'd ended up in Merlin's bed with his cock shoved up Arthur's ass, so excuse Gwaine if his mind might have been otherwise occupied at the moment with thoughts of nakedness and sex.

"This movie blows," Arthur said as he grunted and heaved himself forward out of the depths of the couch to grab the remote from the table.

"Hm. Blows? What?"

"Movie. Blows." Arthur hollered as he kept his eyes on the tv and flipped through the stations. "There's gotta be something with more boobs somewhere. And explosions."

Gwaine was confused. He might not have been paying attention to the movie on account of the fact that Arthur was sprawled out next to him still all sweaty and really fucking smelly in his football kit, but with his legs _spread_ and his shorts riding up on the leg closest to Gwaine. Fucker. That thigh, like some sort of thigh siren, luring Gwaine's eyes and brain and cock into submission with its perfect paleness and lickability and Gwaine would have suspected Arthur of doing it on purpose if he wasn't in the process of scratching his balls and drinking beer at the same time.

Hm. Yes. Really sexy, Arthur.

But still. Thigh. Mesmerizing.

"Wha? You just said the other movie blows."

"Yeah, blows as in sucks, not blows like kaboom. Jesus. Pay attention, mate."

"Quit saying blows and sucks then. It's like you're doing it on purpose."

Oops. That might have been something Gwaine was planning on keeping inside his head and not out his mouth.

Arthur looked over at him with a smug, bastardy look on his face, like he knew just what Gwaine was thinking about, but he didn't say anything, only slouched further down in the couch, spreading his legs just a bit more. And oh god. He was such a massive massive cock. One that Gwaine should ignore. A lot.

"Asshole," Gwaine muttered as he slipped his hand over Arthur's bare leg and rested it against the inside of his thigh.

Arthur just grinned and hitched his hips up and of course Gwaine looked. Of course he did. And Arthur was half hard and fuck it all.

Gwaine leaned into Arthur and cupped his balls in his hand. "You really fucking stink, you know."

"Yeah. I know. And you smell like flowers and sunshine too."

Gwaine made a face and was about call Arthur something very uncomplimentary when Arthur leaned into him, thigh pushing up into his lap, and kissed him. Fucking kissed him.

Well. That was new now too.

"So we're kissing now?" Gwaine asked against Arthur's lips.

Arthur leaned back and rolled his eyes. "Would you rather I stopped?"

"No, no," Gwaine reached out for Arthur's neck and pulled him back in. "Carry on," he mouthed around a kiss.

And just like that Gwaine was shoved onto his back with Arthur flopped down on top of him. It was all quite simple, actually, Gwaine wondered why it'd taken them forty-five minutes to figure that bit out. That was a fuck lot of inappropriate couch time fun wasted.

Gwaine spread his legs wider to let Arthur settle between them then hooked his heels around the backs of Arthur's thighs. Those damn thighs, starting all of it in the first place. Gwaine considered buying them a present. But really, what did they need other than to be naked and within Gwaine's reach at all times? Nothing. Actually they were a bit like buying gifts for Morgana; you never knew what the fuck to get and you waited in abject terror as she opened whatever you'd bought her in an utter last minute panic at a Sainsbury's on the way to the party. Fucking difficult Pendragons.

But then Arthur was shifting on top of him and why in the name of fuck was he thinking about Morgana when he had Arthur between his legs and his mouth all over him?

Gwaine slid his fingers up into the hair on the back of Arthur's head to hold him in place and get him to just kiss him _more_. Arthur made a noise in the back of his throat when Gwaine held him, like Arthur knew he wasn't about to let him go anywhere, and if Gwaine were poetic (which he very much wasn't, unless dirty limericks counted) he would have said it sounded like a giving in, a sort of letting go, which is something Arthur never did. He fought tooth and nail the entire way. All the time. But Gwaine felt as if Arthur had just let himself settle against him. His limbs loosened and he sort of just _sank_ into Gwaine. They were both fucking hard, and if Arthur felt anything like Gwaine, aching to come, but somehow, at that moment, kissing seemed so much more important. Arthur had his hand slid under Gwaine's shirt and it was warm against his skin, and easy. Comfortable. Like it was just there to touch and not hold Gwaine down because Arthur knew he wasn't fucking going anywhere soon.

Gwaine couldn't remember the last time he'd made out on a couch, it seemed like such a teenaged thing to do, but the feelings were all coming back to him. The way it was so warm and fucking lazy that you never wanted to move again, didn't think you could, actually, because all of your limbs seemed to have stopped working. Or at least obeying anything you wanted them to do other than keep themselves glued to the person kissing you. And Arthur was sort of brilliant at it. Gwaine was lazy with kisses. He could faintly hear the tv sputtering on in the background, maybe full of Arthur's desired boobs and explosions, but who knew? All Gwaine heard in detail were Arthur's breaths, the slip and kiss of their lips, and the rustle their clothes made as they moved against one another; arching up and rolling into each other.

"Sorry. I've gotta," Arthur mouthed, breathless, against Gwaine's neck as he lifted his hips a bit and slid his hand between them.

Gwaine wasn't going to complain, or even tease Arthur relentlessly about sounding like he regretted having to bring what they were doing to the next step, reluctant to stop simply just kissing Gwaine, because Arthur was pushing at their shorts and trying to get his hand on their cocks.

Arthur hovered over him, mouth almost on Gwaine's, as he panted, "Help me. _Fuck_." all demanding and annoyed, like Gwaine should've been snapping to it from the start, lazy bastard.

"Yeah. Okay," Gwaine said against Arthur's lips. "Yes."

Gwaine managed to get his cock free of his shorts and was focused on getting himself off, fuck, he was hard, when he felt Arthur's fingers around his own.

"Greedy little fuck," Arthur muttered against Gwaine's ear, but it sounded amused and Gwaine turned his head into Arthur, smiled. "Yeah? So? What of it?"

Arthur looked down at him and raised an eyebrow, he looked like such a wanker when he did that. "Like this, you selfish twat," he said as he shifted his hips and slid his cock against Gwaine's, tugged on his fingers until he let go of his own cock and Arthur was able to get their hands around both of their cocks instead. "Better, yes?" Arthur asked with a push of his hips.

"You needn't be so smug about it," Gwaine said in a huff that turned into a moan when Arthur's fingers tightened slightly around them.

Arthur laughed, the sound rumbling up from deep in his throat and when he pushed his face into Gwaine's neck he could feel the puff of air from Arthur's mouth and the vibrating buzz of his laughter against his skin. It sounded, felt, so fucking content. Easy.

"Don't stop," Gwaine breathed and Arthur said, "I won't." as his hips and hands became more demanding and Gwaine didn't want to tell Arthur that wasn't what he meant, that what he actually wanted was Arthur to never stop laughing like that. But the moment was gone and Arthur was getting quiet again, like he did that night, and Gwaine was so close to coming too that he thought he'd fucking stop breathing altogether until he did.

Arthur shuddered against him and Gwaine felt the come, hot and wet against his cock and fingers, and oh fuck, everything was slick, slippery, and he muffled his strangled, _'fuck'_ against Arthur's shoulder when he came too.

Arthur's exhausted breaths huffed in Gwaine's ear for a moment or two before he felt Arthur tighten up and pull himself away from him.

"Messy," Arthur muttered, face flushed, as he wiped his hand along his stomach. He looked away from Gwaine, at the door, as he added, "I should probably get going. 'S getting late and all."

Gwaine watched Arthur as he tucked himself back inside his shorts and tried to make himself look less utterly fucked. "Yeah. Whatever," he mumbled. For some reason he couldn't bring himself to look away from the mess of Arthur's hair.

Arthur hopped around as he got his shoes on and was at the door before Gwaine could look away from those messy spikes of hair. "So. I'll see you then," Arthur sort of waved at him. "Later." And he was out the door.

Gwaine stared at the door, pissed that he suddenly felt sort of empty and ill-used. Like some sort of fucking jilted lover or something.

Well. That didn't go as planned now, did it?

 

~*~

 

Gwaine decided that rather than act like a stroppy, jilted heroine from one of Merlin's romance novels (yes, Merlin read romance novels - the Mills and Boon-ier, the better - the little tosser thought he was getting away with it if he tore the heaving bosom-y covers off of them but he was fooling no one. no one.) he'd completely ignore Arthur and let the bastard do whatever the fuck he wanted. So he tossed Gwaine off after a fairly epic couch make-out session, so what? Gwaine could get any number of people to do that. They'd probably line up in a queue if he put the announcement out and swished his hair a bit - that usually did wonders for his sex life. And he wasn't being an obnoxious twat about it either (unlike Arthur who _knew_ he was hot and didn't care that everyone else knew he knew he was hot. the ego maniacal dickweed.) it was just a known fact. Gwaine had awesome hair. In fact, one year the girls had made up new words to _Milkshake_ to sing to Gwaine for his birthday. So, yes, it was a universally acknowledged truth that Gwaine's hair shake brought all the boys to the yard.

Gwaine thought he did rather well with the 'ignoring Arthur' aspect of his plan. So maybe Arthur had pulled him into the toilets at last week's pub quiz and sucked him off and Gwaine sucked Arthur off in return (it was only fair, Gwaine was nothing if not a considerate sort of bloke) but things done at pub quizzes didn't count. Or something. Gwaine would figure out the logic of that all later. And maybe Arthur had dropped by his and Merlin's flat yesterday to drop off a book of nerdery he was forcing Merlin to read (he kept insisting Merlin looked like a geek and he should fucking well act like one, and really, what sort of human being has reached the age of twenty-five and not read _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ yet? someone very slow and dimwitted, i.e. Merlin, obviously.) And well, so what if Merlin wasn't home and they ended up back in his bedroom and maybe sort of took turns fucking each other on all fours like Arthur had suggested the last time? That was just plain old follow-through is what that was. Just an example of Gwaine and Arthur having initiative and convictions and shit. Nothing more. And it decidedly _did not count_.

So, yes, Gwaine was kicking ass at ignoring Arthur.

"Greek food, Gwaine? Fucking _really_?" Merlin laughed at him the second he and Leon walked into the kitchen. "You totally love him."

Gwaine frowned. "What? None of your words make sense. Shut up."

"He knows he's busted," Merlin said to Leon who only nodded because he was too busy already stuffing his face with spanakopites.

"Stop eating all of those, you pig," Gwaine hollered at Leon as he slapped his hand.

"Yeah, cos they're Arthur's favorite," Merlin said in a singsong voice that forced Gwaine to punch him in the arm. Really. He was asking for it.

"No, because he's a rude slob that eats all the food before anyone else can get to it."

"Yeah, no, I think Merlin's right on this one," Leon said when he'd finally chewed and swallowed his mouthful of food. "These are Arthur's favorite and clearly you're in love."

"You say that in a completely normal tone of voice and it makes me question your sanity," Gwaine scowled at Leon. "And I am not!"

"It just makes sense," Merlin said to Leon, completely ignoring Gwaine.

"It does not make sense, not in any kind of way."

Merlin and Leon looked at each other and rolled their eyes then looked back at Gwaine with patronizing looks like Gwaine was the idiot here and not them.

"You bought him Greek food," Merlin said, the condescending 'honey' at the end of his statement and a pat on the hand were implied.

"You clearly want to have his babies," Leon added.

"What does that even mean for fuck sake?"

"Arthur loves Greek food and you _hate_ it and have said on more than one occasion that it tastes like yoghurt and feet, yet here you are, buying Greek food to make your secret lover and future father of your children happy."

"Don't ever say secret lover again, Merlin," Gwaine sighed. "It just sounds gross."

"Notice he didn't deny Arthur as his secret lover," Leon said. "He just objects to the term apparently. Should we maybe call him your special sex friend?"

"With sparkles?" added Merlin.

"Shut the fuck up, the both of you."

Merlin hopped up onto a stool and started swinging his feet as he looked at Gwaine with stupid cow eyes. "So, what are you going to name your kids? And don't say Spanakopites because Freya and I call dibs on that."

"I'm going to beat you with your own arm, Merlin."

"God, he's going to be stroppy when he's preggers," Leon frowned.

"Will you both fucking stop already?" Gwaine yelled at them. "And who says I'm the one that has to have the baby?"

"Because you've got child-bearing hips," Arthur said from behind Gwaine as he grabbed his hips.

"Oh fucking hell, get off of me, twat," Gwaine said as he shoved a laughing Arthur away.

"Is Gwaine pregnant?" Lance asked as he followed Arthur into the kitchen and sat down next to Merlin.

"Way to enter a conversation, Lance," Leon said.

"Well who's pregnant then?" Lance asked.

"Nobody," Gwaine said. "Ever."

"That's just not possible," Lance said.

Arthur grinned at Lance and patted him on his back as the rest of them laughed. "So, we're having a baby then?" Arthur quirked an eyebrow at Gwaine.

"Apparently, but you're the one having it. I call 'not it'."

"No, I don't think so." Arthur looked at Gwaine, stared at him in a really fucking disconcerting way. "I think you ought to have it. You've got the hair and the face and all that, we'll want to pass that on."

Well. Fuck. Gwaine didn't know what to say to that. That was damn near a compliment.

"No, Arthur, that's not how it works," Merlin said. "The babies will look like _both_ of you. Didn't you pay attention in school at all?"

"About as much attention as you apparently."

Merlin frowned at Arthur like he was the one with flawed logic, then turned to Gwaine. "I think you lucked out on this one though because Freya told me what she heard about Arthur being a slutty little bottom so obviously he's the one up the duff this time."

"If you follow that logic then I'm afraid your bed is up the duff as well since we both came all over it yesterday," Arthur said solemnly.

Gwaine threw his head back and laughed at Merlin's horrified face.

"What? You fucks!" Merlin hollered as he stomped into his room. "Arthurrrr! Fucking gross!" came out his bedroom door a few seconds later, and his sheets came flying out a few seconds after that.

Arthur smiled one of his fucking brilliant smiles at Gwaine before breaking out into loud laughter as they fist bumped each other. _'Arthurrrr! Fucking gross!'_ they chorused together.

"You two," Lance said as he pointed back and forth between them. "So cute."

Gwaine gave Lance a two finger salute and looked over at Arthur expecting the same from him but instead found him slightly flushed. Gwaine couldn't stop staring at him, he looked flustered and that was a foreign look for Arthur's face. Gwaine thought it looked sort of good on him.

"Here, have a spanakopites," Leon said as he shoved one in Arthur's mouth. "Gwaine got them just for you."

And of course Merlin caught that as he came out of his room and started kicking his sheets down the hall to their washer and dryer. He cackled like a fucking hen at them and when he whined, "Someone get me the kitchen tongs I don't want to touch these things any more than I have to." Gwaine took great delight at throwing them down the hall at him. The fact that the gesture only made Merlin laugh more was rather anticlimatic.

Gwaine spent the rest of the night in a snit eating food that tasted like yoghurt and feet and getting stared at strangely by Arthur.

All in all, not the best Thursday night ever.

 

~*~

 

Gwaine groaned when the covers lifted up on the other side of his bed and Merlin slipped underneath them.

"We're not having a girl talk, Merlin."

"Oh, come on. Can I at least brush your hair?"

Gwaine pulled the blanket over his head. "Go away, Merlin."

"Uh-uh. We're having a manly man talk."

" _Merlin_."

"Wha? A manly man talk, not a girl talk."

"Fine. Talk and then go away. I'm tired."

Merlin poked at him and Gwaine rolled his eyes. "I'm going to be totally serious here, so enjoy it."

"I'll write about it in my journal."

"Good. So, here's the thing, if you really like Arthur it's not the worst thing in the world, well, it might be a little gross but I think I can handle it."

"I'm so glad you're strong enough to bear the horror of our unholy union, Merlin."

"You like him."

Gwaine shrugged.

"You do," Merlin insisted. "In a weird and stunted sort of way, but you do. And I'm pretty sure he likes you too. He spent the entire night staring holes in your face with his crazy eyes."

"Arthur doesn't have crazy eyes."

"No, he has super dreamy eyes. That you should gaze into while eating a plate of spaghetti."

"We're not Lady and the Tramp."

"Whatever. This is my mental imagine, it's how I deal. My two best friends are fucking. And enjoying it. This is hard for me to process."

"But don't you want us to be happy, Merlin?" Gwaine asked in mock sadness. "It's like you don't want us to find love."

Merlin sat up. "Oh my god, you just said love. I knew it," he shouted. "You're so sparkly in love with him. Lame, Gwaine. So so lame."

"Go away," Gwaine said as he shoved Merlin's face away hard enough to roll him out of the bed and onto the floor.

"Looove," Merlin sang out as his head popped up over the edge of Gwaine's bed.

Gwaine threw a pillow at him as he crawled away laughing. Once he got past the doorway he stood up and looked back in the room. "Really though, Gwaine, if you like him just do something about it. Even if it's gross. Arthur is as emotionally constipated as they come, but he does look at you in a way that were it anyone else I'd call it sweet. You two are, I dunno, just really really gross. And make no sense at all, except that you do. Okay?"

"Thanks, Merlin," Gwaine smiled fondly at him. He said it in the most awkward and insulting way possible but he meant well. He always did.

"Night," Merlin smiled at him before he left Gwaine alone.

Gwaine sighed and rolled onto his back. Merlin flipped the hallway light off and Gwaine was left staring through the dark at the ceiling. He didn't know what he should do. Sure, he and Arthur were kind of fucking fantastic together with the sex business, but everything else? They never saw eye to eye and they argued more than they talked, took a piss more than they were serious, and it all seemed kind of a shaky basis for something more than just a fuck or two. Or fifty. And besides, Gwaine didn't really do relationships. The last time he had anything close to a relationship he was six and had pulled Gracie Trussle's ponytail daily for the entirety of year one. Other than that? Not so committed.

But the more he thought about it he and Arthur sort of made sense, in the horrifying way Merlin implied, but still, it was a kind of sense. It wasn't anything specific that Gwaine could pinpoint but Arthur was a bit of an arse, well, a huge one actually, and no one really deserved to be saddled with that for any length of time. Gwaine could consider it a gesture of goodwill to the world at large. He'd take on Arthur and take one for the team. He'd have to earn a fuckton of karma points for that.

So really, it was to everyone's benefit if he and Arthur took it to the next unholy level.

Just as he was considering the benefits of racking up all those karma points his mobile beeped at him from his bedside table. He leaned over and picked it up and smiled when he saw a text from Arthur on the screen.

 _cant sleep. neighbors new dog yapping._

It beeped again.

 _big mouth. big ears. ive called it merlin._

Gwaine grinned and typed in a reply.

 _lol. :-)_

 _a smiley face? loser._

Gwaine was about to reply with a snarky comment when the phone beeped again.

 _:-)_

Gwaine laughed out loud. Stupid fuck.

He wanted to type out a snide remark but as he stared at the stupid smiley face (and dammit, Arthur was right about how dumb it was) a totally unwanted and inappropriate warmth rushed over him and settled down low in his stomach and heavy around the center of his chest. It was, well, _nice_.

Huh. Maybe Arthur's ponytail needed a good pulling after all.

 

~*~

 

"Checking the door every two minutes isn't going to make him get here any faster," Morgana said.

"Although it makes it more entertaining for the rest of us," Merlin added.

"I'm not checking the door, I just happen to be glancing in that general direction. There's a group of hot girls over there, possibly looking to get very drunk and asked back to my place this evening." Gwaine said, leaning back in his chair and making a to do about checking them out.

"They are pretty hot," Leon agreed. "Better stake your claim though if you're looking at a specific one because once Arthur comes through that door you're not checking he just might pull the one you want."

"Arthur's not pulling anyone," Gwaine said quickly and everyone looked at him with smug, knowing looks. Assholes. "I mean, obviously I'd win if we did go for the same one. Have you seen me?"

Morgana laughed. "Yeah, smooth save there."

"You're just angry you had the misfortune of meeting Leon first and committing to him before you saw me. I know you pine for me."

Morgana cackled at that and Leon said, "Yeah. No, I told her she could have at you and I wouldn't hold it against her since I know your intense manliness and magnetism are hard to resist but she passed."

"Wounded, Morgana. Wounded," Gwaine said in mock dramatics as he clutched his chest and Merlin patted him on the shoulder. Morgana just shook her head at him and laughed when he winked at her.

"You're the worst, Gwaine. God love you," she said.

"And Arthur is the worst too so they'll be perfect together," Merlin said happily and Gwaine shoved at his shoulder but laughed anyway.

"Now if he'd only get here so Gwaine could focus on something other than the door." Leon said.

"The girls! There are girls!" Gwaine protested.

Leon smiled fondly and patted Gwaine on the back. "Whatever, mate, if that's what you need to tell yourself to accept how lame and in love with Arthur you are that's fine."

"Boobs everywhere!"

"Hmm. Yes."

Gwaine just gave up and laughed at Leon's disbelieving face. "I'm going to go get us more drinks before we run out."

"Liquid courage," Merlin said in a stage whisper.

"I heard you, Merlin." Gwaine said over his shoulder as he walked to the bar.

"You were meant to."

Gwaine managed to get everyone's drinks in his hands (and get hit on by a girl at the bar, thank you very much. see. girls!) and was on his way back to the table when he heard Merlin start hollering in an overly loud, and far too enthusiastic voice.

"Arthur! Arthur is here, Gwaine! Hooray!"

"Don't say hooray, Merlin," Arthur said as he slumped down into the chair next to Gwaine's empty one. "You sound like a simpleton."

"Hooray," Merlin said in a sad voice and frowned. Gwaine laughed at him and set the drinks down on their table. "Oh look, Arthur, Gwaine bought you a drink." Merlin said as he pointed to the beer Gwaine had set down in front of Arthur. "And your favorite too, how considerate."

Gwaine wanted to smack him on the back of his head and tell him to stop being helpful and talking about him like he was his nursery school teacher.

"Yes, Merlin, it was so clever of Gwaine to know I liked beer."

"You're in an especially foul mood," Morgana said.

"Cheers," Arthur said as he raised his glass toward her.

Merlin leaned forward and said, overly interested and cheerful. "So. Tell us, Arthur, what has put you in strop? I think the table would like to know."

"Speak for yourself," Morgana said. "It's probably something ridiculously insignificant that Arthur has blown out of proportion because he needs to create drama in his own life."

"Okay there, Oprah," Merlin raised an eyebrow at Morgana.

"I'm sensing an underlying problem here. Do we have some childhood issues we need to deal with, you two?" Gwaine asked as he looked over at Morgana.

Arthur frowned. "Gwaine, I don't think staring at my sister's boobs is entirely helpful either."

"I'm not staring at her boobs. Well, not _then_ I wasn't. I'm going to have to now though since you brought it up they're all I can think about. Way to go, Arthur."

Arthur opened his mouth to say something but he just laughed and bumped his shoulder against Gwaine's. "There's something wrong with you," he said and there was a fondness in it as he smiled at Gwaine.

And okay, so maybe he and Arthur stared at each other for a little too long after that but that was no reason for Merlin to do what he did.

"Boooo! Boooo!"

"The fuck, Merlin?" Arthur frowned at Merlin.

"I'm booing the two of you. You're both pathetic. Come on, Gwaine, grow a pair already."

"What is he talking about?" Arthur asked Gwaine, who was shooting death glares in Merlin's direction, but before Gwaine could answer him Merlin started talking again.

"I know why Arthur is all pissy and I was hoping he'd say something about it so maybe you'd get up off your arse and tell him, but seeing as how he's being completely useless and uncooperative as usual I'm going to have to do all the work." Merlin stared at Gwaine. "Arthur's about to throw a temper tantrum because he had a date last night and the dumbarse just can't figure out that the reason why he didn't want to partake in some meaningless sex with the guy is because what he _really_ wants is to have semi-meaningless sex with you. Fuck me, it's so obvious. The dumb bastard has been emailing and texting me all day long and bitching like I'm some sort of agony aunt - which I did not sign up for, thanks - and I'm about ready to write a note on his behalf to you asking whether you like him: circle yes or no."

Arthur started complaining instantly. "I didn't bitch. There were maybe three or four texts. And possibly an email. That was it."

"Try twenty-three texts and sixteen emails. You lose, Pendragon."

"Well, what sort of person counts texts and emails from his _friend_? Is there a daily quota or something I didn't know about because I can stop talking to you altogether if you'd like."

"Yes, thanks, that'd be lovely," Merlin smiled.

Arthur opened his mouth to say something else but Gwaine quickly grabbed his arm and yanked him to his feet. "I gotta talk to you, Arthur."

"Well good for you, but let me sit here and drink my beer while you do it."

"Beer stays, you come," Gwaine ordered as he pulled Arthur away from the table and towards the door. He tried very hard to block out the catcalls and whistles coming from the table.

"Those are our friends," Arthur said in amazement as he pointed toward the door once they were outside on the pavement.

"Yeah, I know. We should be embarrassed and kinda sad too."

"Especially about Merlin. If I'm being quite honest I'm worried he's going a bit mental. I mean, did you hear what he was nattering on about in there? It didn't even make sense. I highly doubt it was twenty-three texts, where would I've found the time? And really, like I didn't have sex with my date last night. Hello, it's me here."

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Shut up though," Gwaine said. "I'm going to say something - and don't laugh."

"Well, see, now I'm going to laugh. You only brought it on yourself. It's like Morgana's boobs."

"Focus, Arthur, we'll talk about Morgana's boobs later."

"I'm not talking about my sister's boobs. Why on earth would I do that?"

Gwaine just threw his hands up in the air and shouted out. Oh my god, so not going to plan. Once he got done throwing a mini-fit he grabbed Arthur's face in his hands and kissed him. And he made it good, tongues and all, in an effort to shut Arthur the fuck up and really just to kiss Arthur too because the man was a seriously amazing kisser.

"Are you shut up now?" Gwaine asked when they'd finished kissing.

Arthur nodded.

"Excellent. So here's the thing." Gwaine started to pace back and forth in front of Arthur. "After a couple days of thorough contemplation with my cock we've decided that my cock would like to have exclusive rights to your mouth. And your ass too because it's a really superb ass, Arthur, truly first rate. And if we're talking about claiming rights and all of that I'm thinking now that my mouth would probably like exclusive rights to your mouth as well. Because despite what I thought was my mild disinterest and ambivalence towards you I find the thought of sharing that gorgeous ass of yours with anyone else makes me jealous which is a very unattractive look for me."

Arthur didn't say anything right away, just stared at him like Gwaine didn't know what. Did he want to kiss him or punch him? It was seemingly up in the air and he was going to develop some sort of nervous disorder if Arthur didn't say something soon. But really, being nervous about anything was foreign to Gwaine and he sort of hated Arthur for making him feel that way at all so if he ended up punching him Gwaine could channel a bit of that and deck him back a good one.

Just when Gwaine was about to give up and go ahead and punch Arthur in his pretty face he smiled at him.

"You're such a fucking girl, Gwaine."

"Oi. I thought that was a good speech."

"You talked to your cock? Honestly." Arthur smiled even wider and Gwaine stared at it as the urge to punch it lessened just a little bit. "Though I don't doubt you have frequent conversations with your dick. It seems to have about the same level of intellect as you."

"Arthur, the more you talk the less appealing you become."

"I know," Arthur said happily as he pointed to his mouth. "And now this is all yours. Enjoy the pain, plonker."

Gwaine was pretty sure he did some sort of cartoon double take. "So this," he said as he waggled his finger back forth between them, "is a thing? Are we a thing now?"

"If I ever want to have sex again it appears that way, yes."

"Arthur," Gwaine said with a grin as he shoved at his arm. "You say the sweetest things. Come on, give us a hug."

Arthur moved away from Gwaine's open arms. "I'm not giving you a hug, next thing you know our periods will sync up."

"Oh, come on." Gwaine said as he started following Arthur down the street. "Sweetheart. Hugs."

"If you start calling me pet names this whole thing is over."

"But darling."

"I mean it, Gwaine."

"But I want a hug, honeybottom. Why are you being this way?"

"Fuck you," Arthur laughed as he started to run. Gwaine managed to catch up and grab him from behind. Of course Arthur elbowed him in the gut, he wouldn't be Arthur if he didn't. Afterward though he turned around in Gwaine's arms and rolled his eyes. "God fucking Christ, okay. Hug me, twat."

Gwaine grabbed onto this left wrist with his right hand so he could squeeze the living fuck out of Arthur and maybe shake him around a bit too while he was at it.

"Ahh. I know you love hugs, boo. Don't play."

"I swear to god," Arthur squawked as Gwaine hugged him tighter. "I will never suck your cock again if you call me another pet name."

Gwaine laughed and loosened his hold on Arthur. "Fine. Be that way."

"You're an awful person and I don't know why I agreed to this."

"We're going to be the worst couple ever."

"Without a doubt," Arthur said, but he smiled like a bit of a idiot as he said it and Gwaine had to go ahead and kiss him. "Do we even need to go back in?" Arthur mumbled against Gwaine's lips once they'd pulled apart a bit.

"We don't, no, but you do know that every single person in there will call and text us from now until the end of time if we don't. If you're cool with that, fine, on your head be it."

"Oh god, come on then. Let's get it over with," Arthur said as he moved out of Gwaine's arms. He started walking back toward the pub and after a couple of steps he reached his hand back for Gwaine's.

Gwaine grinned. "Now who's the girl?" he asked but he grabbed Arthur's hand anyway which only made him look back and raise an eyebrow at him.

"Ready?" Arthur asked, his had on the pub door.

"Fuck, just go, I'll start to cry if I think about it any longer."

Arthur laughed and dragged him through the door.

"Hallelujah!" Merlin shouted the second he caught a glimpse of Arthur and Gwaine. The entire table broke out into shouts and howls and other embarrassingly loud noises.

"Yeah, yeah," Gwaine said as he and Arthur sat down. "Get it out of your systems because this is all you get. After tonight you'll get a slap if there are any mentions of our future children, sexual habits or emotional constipation."

"Who are you kidding?" Merlin asked. "Do you even know us?"

Gwaine looked to Arthur for help but he just shrugged like, uh, what did I tell you? These are our _friends_.

"Fine." Gwaine threw up his hands in surrender and settled back into his chair. "Lay it on us. We can take it."

As the rest of the table started in on them, and why did Merlin insist that their children be named after food?, he looked at Arthur. Arthur smiled at him and reached over to grab Gwaine's hand and put it on his thigh. Clever boy.

"Just go with it," Arthur said. "I'll suck your cock when we get home."

Sold.

 

~end


End file.
